As a child I hated LDS general conference. It was soooo long and soooo boring. The only good thing about it was getting to stay in my pajamas all day while eating fruit snacks and granola bars.
How to use debt to come closer to Christ This was it, this was the moment. This was the place. As terrified as I was I knew it was time for me to enter an eating disorder treatment center. The only problem was that there was $2,000 down payment in order to be admitted. My husband and I couldn't afford that. We were just poor Mormon college students. We talked about selling our own possessions but nothing we had was worth that much. No matter how we looked at it, we could not afford the down payment.
How do I know that Jesus Christ is real without ever seeing him? You want the truth? Okay, the answer is no. No, I haven't. I never have seen Jesus Christ. I've felt his presence. I've read his words. But I have never seen him face to face.
That night is such a vivid memory while at the same time being a complete blur. I sat there listening to Wicked while hugging my teddy bear close. Crying until my eyes ran out of tears while the sun rose in the distance. I had never lost someone to death and was completely overtaken by the pain of it.
It's very dark. It's very cold. It's the most painful thing I have ever experienced. I feel completely and utterly alone. My own shame surrounds me like a thick sticky cloud of darkness. I am completely stuck with nowhere to turn. I am stranded in a living nightmare. I can never fully explain what it is like to struggle depression, anxiety, and addiction. But that doesn't matter.
"Krista, it's time to get up." I would lie in bed wishing I could fall back asleep as the care tech left the room to wake up the next person. Grudgingly, I would then change into my hospital gown and head into the hallway to get my vitals taken. The whole time contemplating if getting up would be worth it today. But, no matter how exhausted, depressed, or overwhelmed I was, there was one thing that always motivated me to get up and face the day.
I hated it. I hated it so much! I could not stand anything about my own body to the point that I was willing to die to change it. Like many people out there, I struggle with an eating disorder. So, you could say my body and I are not exactly on good terms.
Twinkling lights reflect off the ornaments. The smell of pine fills the room. Holiday songs are playing wherever I go. It is the Christmas season and I can see it all around me, but do I feel it? This year has been a little crazy for me. Christmas is going to come six days before I am discharged from an eating disorder treatment center. I am now out of 24-hour care and in a day program which means that I get to spend most of this holiday season at home.