I get so frustrated with a small fact: no matter how hard I try to paint my nails and make them cute they just never are. It looks bad because the nail polish is always running onto my skin and no matter how still I sit while waiting for them to dry they still get messed up and look like a flattened a raisin on my nail. It is beyond frustrating because I want to feel cute when I wear nail polish! I want to look like someone who knows how to look nice instead of someone who tries to look nice.
Now this isn’t just about my nails, its about the fact that I struggle with self esteem issues. Now I am not dumb, I know that magazines are fake and everyone has imperfections, but I do know that there are people who are just naturally more beautiful than others. I know this because I see people all around me that are and I know that I am not one of the naturally beautiful people.
I feel like I try so hard to make myself look good so that I can feel good. I shave my legs, I wear make up, cute clothes and perfume, then straighten or curl my hair, and after all that I paint my nails. But in the end, after getting out of the shower my legs are all prickly. After awhile my cover up is allowing my zits to show through and eye liner is dark smudge running down my eye like melting chocolate. My only cute pair of clothes are old and probably have a hole somewhere that would make the What Not to Wear crew freak and tell me to throw it out. My hair is a frizzy mess regardless of what I do. Then of course there is the finger nails…
Now I am not trying to fit in or be beautiful or even look like someone else. I just want to be the best that I can be so that I can feel good about myself! Instead I feel like I try so hard and in the end get no were. Is this feeling normal or is it just me?
In my thinking this week I have thought about Lindsey Stirling, because she is someone who is absolutely beautiful! If I could switch bodies with anyone it would be her. I have even took her picture to get my hair cut countless times so I can wear it like hers. Anyways… she did a Face to Face with Lindsey Stirling for the LDS youth and talked a lot about her self esteem issues. One of the things that really stood out to me was the fact that when she felt like she weighted too much she was not happy, but then when she lost a lot of weight she still was unhappy. So, that means that even if my nails were perfect every time I would still be unhappy? Uh, yep… This got me thinking as I was trying to paint my nails that I need to be better at loving my natural self. If I love my natural self everything after that will be an enhancement instead of making up for what I feel I naturally lack. That way in the end it doesn’t matter if it is imperfect.
I so badly want to see myself the way my husband sees me or even believe what he is says, because no matter how I look he tells me I look beautiful and amazing. It’s going to be a long road but someday I want to love and be happy with my natural self. It will start with me not criticizing the person that looks back in the mirror at me when I first wake up regardless of how she looks or if she is wearing nail polish or not, or its imperfect, or perfect. This is the first step of my New Years revolution of falling in love with myself.