My name is Lottie and I have the honour of doing a guest post, which I am very excited about, I wanted to talk about my mental health and how it effects my life.
I love that mental health is finally being spoken about in such an open way. Being from the UK we now have the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge (Will and Kate) making metal health a big issue here. Prince Harry has even spoke openly about his own mental health after his mother passed away.
I was diagnosed with Anxiety and Depression at the age of 20, after a bad time in my life, where I hurt myself and tried to take my own life, I spoke to a friend about what I was going through and they convinced me to go to the doctor. I had the fortunate chance of having friends around me that were going through similar things, so they were a very good support system for me.
I have been though a lot of forms of treatments, from medication to counselling, and then therapy. I have found the best way to help me has been Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or CBT, it helped me to look at my mind differently, changing how I saw situations and thinking about them in a different way.
Recently I must admit I have been having troubles with my mental health, my anxiety in particular. No matter where I go or what I do, if I hear someone laugh, it obviously must be about me. If someone looks at me, I must have something on my face. If people stare at me, they must be thinking bad things about me. Even in work, with women I trust, if they whisper, I feel it must be about me. I have done something and it will all go wrong because of me. This all makes me so scared and worried, I then end up having a panic attack over it because I am worrying so much.
I have no idea what is making my anxiety so bad at the moment, it has never been as bad as it is now. I try to be the positive person, to be the person with a smile on my face, with a nice comment for everyone. I do this so people don’t see that I am actually sad and upset. I like to put a joke on everything and act like a clown to make people happy, because I hate seeing people sad. Then when I am on my own I am the sad one.
Whenever a friend or my fiancee asks how I am or if they can do anything for me, I always say ” I’ll be ok I always am” because I see myself as the person who is there to pick everyone else up and make them happy but then it also feels like in the back of my mind I am the one who is meant to not be happy. There is a part of me that thinks no you can be happy too but in those bad days, I just feel so rubbish.
Don’t get me wrong for me not everyday is a bad day, I do have days where I feel like I am the best person in the world, but then it will take one thing to make me feel down again. That is something I am working on, and it is why sometimes I do just take days where I just need me time.
Living with mental illness is like a constant push pull in your head, where you want to believe one thing but there is this little voice that is telling you the total opposite. Some days the good voice wins, other days the bad voice wins. Its like in those cartoons where they have the little devil and the little angel on the shoulders and they tell you what to do. That’s how I feel anyway.
Today my angel is winning and telling me that I can tell my story without feeling bad about what has happened, but tomorrow who knows, maybe the little devil will take over and tell me to think of a million things I have done wrong. Everyday is different because you never now what will happen.
If you feel the way that I do, then the one thing I want to say to you is please please talk to someone, talk to you parents, siblings, friends or your partner. Just please talk to someone, don’t suffer alone. Even if you feel you can’t talk to someone you know, maybe talk to your doctor. Call a help line, just don’t leave it.
You are loved and you are precious and you matter.
Lots of Love
Check out more from Lottie at her website A Diary of A Curvy Girl!
Interested in sharing your mental health story? Click HERE!