Day 2 of the 12 Days of CHRISTmas
The hate of myself has been so deep. I hate every part of me, my personality, all my imperfections, and my body just grosses me out! I’ve spent years trying to improve in seeing my self worth but with every move forward there are two steps backwards…
Like many people out there, I struggle with an eating disorder. So, you could say my body and I are not exactly on good terms. This made me feel shameful as I began studying section two of “The Living Christ” which reads:
He was the Great Jehovah of the Old Testament, the Messiah of the New. Under the direction of His Father, He was the creator of the earth. “All things were made by him; and without him was not anything made that was made” (John 1:3).
Before Jesus Christ had even came to earth he was an important part of our existence. He was the one that created this world that we live on. Not only did he create this world but each of our bodies… like my body… he created my body, the one I loathe…
President Russell M. Nelson’s talk entitled “Jesus the Christ: Our Master and More” explained this when he said:
This hallowed Creator provided that each of us may have a physical body, uniquely individual yet in many respects comparable to every other human body. Just as a well-educated musician can recognize the composer of a symphony by its style and structure, so a well-educated surgeon can recognize the Creator of human beings by the similarity of style and structure of our anatomy. Individual variations notwithstanding, this similarity provides additional evidence and deep spiritual confirmation of our divine creation by our same Creator. It enhances the understanding of our relationship to Him:
“The Gods went down to organize man in their own image, in the image of the Gods to form they him, male and female to form they them.” (Abr. 4:27–28).
I know that my body is a sacred gift from my Savior but in the depths of my eating disorder and self hatred I couldn’t care less. I was convinced that everything in my life would get better if I had more self control and lost weight. Now that I have gone through treatment and am on the recovery path, I realize that those are lies that my eating disorder tells me.
I have to be honest, I still do not like my body… but I don’t always hate it anymore. Instead I focus on aspects about my body that I do appreciate. At one point during treatment they made me stay in wheel chair all day for health reasons. Thank goodness it was only for a day because it was awful! Truly awful! I had to be pushed around by a care technician all day. I was confined to one seat all day long which made it awkward to eat at the dining table, relax during free time, and even go to the bathroom. I once got left after our short sacrament service at the center when the technician forgot me! I was stranded there, like hello? Anybody out there? I wasn’t kidding when I said it was no fun.
As awful as that day was it did help me better appreciate the things that my body can do. I can walk on my own. I can do art. I can snuggle with my kitten, or my husband, or both. I can write. I can read. I can feel. I could not do the things that I enjoy without my body!
Appreciating my body is still and every day struggle that I usually loose. But, I try to remember that it is a sacred gift that was created for me so that I could have an earthly experience here and now. I need my body. And knowing that can sometimes help me be more grateful for it and the Savior who created it.
Read Day 3 of the 12 Days of CHRISTmas by clicking HERE
Read Day 1 of the 12 Days of CHRISTmas by clicking HERE