Day 9 of the 12 Days of CHRISTmas
Looking in a mirror is very difficult. I see all my imperfections and obsess over them. I constantly feel as if I am never good enough. I continually compare myself to everyone around me. I don’t forgive myself for mistakes. And, I feel unworthy of love.
You know what? I am a professional at making myself completely miserable. “The Living Christ” section nine explains:
“That by him, and through him, and of him, the worlds are and were created, and the inhabitants thereof are begotten sons and daughters unto God” (D&C 76:22–24).
I know that I am a child of God. I know that I have a divine purpose. I know that Christ loves me no matter what. But, trapped in my dark depression and screaming eating disorder, it all feels like one big lie.
As I left 24 hour care at the eating disorder treatment center I told all the girls that I wish they could see themselves the way I saw them, as loved and extraordinary women fighting to overcome a deadly illness. I would give anything for them to be able to understand these things!
As I told them this, they explained that I needed to do the same for myself. Why can I see and love other people so clearly, but not myself?
Accepting that I am a divine daughter of God is very difficult for me. In my depression I feel dirty and gross. My eating disorder then uses that to convince me that I’m never good enough. I’m secretly terrified that I’ve let everyone down, including my Heavenly Father.
Please be patient with me. Just because I don’t feel worthy doesn’t mean that I don’t want to. It’s going to take a lot of faith and recovery before I can make peace with myself. But, I know that someday I will be able to look in the mirror and only see myself for who am, a daughter of God. And that is worth fighting for.
Read Day 10 of the 12 Days of CHRISTmas by clicking HERE
Read Day 8 of the 12 Days of CHRISTmas by clicking HERE