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I want to say I’m sorry for such a downer of a post but I’m not. It’s important to know what the depths of depression is really like. Now, don’t worry. I wrote this post months ago during a very difficult time and am doing much better now.
So, today I’m going to be vulnerable and share with you a glimpse behind the curtain into the darkness of depression.
Trust me, there is nothing glamorous about sitting around in three-day-old smelly clothes. There is nothing majestic about wanting to disappear while lying on the sofa watching Netflix, feeling too numb to get up and do anything.
Today was a rough day. Actually, this week has just been rough, and each day seems to be getting worse. I feel more stuck and overwhelmed with each passing day.
I try to be an advocate for those struggling with mental illness and share my struggles in a positive way. But, there are days like today where I can’t. I hate having depression. I hate having anxiety. There is nothing worse than feeling like your whole world has suddenly stopped and now nothing matters anymore because today is just like any other day.
The self-hate is so painful and claustrophobic, I feel like I can’t breathe. I hide under my blanket just wishing I could sleep the day away. Even the thought of taking a shower overwhelms me and feels like I’m climbing a mountain instead of climbing into a bathtub.
I spent forever today trying to convince myself to make a phone call to a client for work. Then, when I finally did, I broke down crying afterward reliving all the mistakes and dumb things I said.
I feel so stupid dealing with these struggles. I know I shouldn’t compare my trials with others, but there are so many people dealing with very difficult struggles. Then, here I am unable to shower because it’s too difficult. It feels humiliating. I know I’m not a lazy person, but on days like this, I sure feel like it.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that when I say I’m having a hard day, it’s not some beautiful deep sadness that goes away in a day or two. It’s numbness surrounding deep painful shame and self-hatred to the point that it’s debilitating.
I guess this is part of being more vulnerable, sharing how I truly feel without putting a positive and inspiring spin on it. The reality is that some days are just awful.
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