A spoof of The Screwtape Letters that accurately sums up an eating disorder — and the complex conflict of living with it...
Despite my depression I have always thought of myself as an optimistic person, until the day my therapist told me to stop...
Struggling with both an eating disorder and depression makes believing I'm worthy of love difficult.
It's very dark. It's very cold. It's the most painful thing I have ever experienced. I feel completely and utterly alone. My own shame surrounds me like a thick sticky cloud of darkness. I am completely stuck with nowhere to turn. I am stranded in a living nightmare. I can never fully explain what it is like to struggle depression, anxiety, and addiction. But that doesn't matter.
"Krista, it's time to get up." I would lie in bed wishing I could fall back asleep as the care tech left the room to wake up the next person. Grudgingly, I would then change into my hospital gown and head into the hallway to get my vitals taken. The whole time contemplating if getting up would be worth it today. But, no matter how exhausted, depressed, or overwhelmed I was, there was one thing that always motivated me to get up and face the day.
I hated it. I hated it so much! I could not stand anything about my own body to the point that I was willing to die to change it. Like many people out there, I struggle with an eating disorder. So, you could say my body and I are not exactly on good terms.
Twinkling lights reflect off the ornaments. The smell of pine fills the room. Holiday songs are playing wherever I go. It is the Christmas season and I can see it all around me, but do I feel it? This year has been a little crazy for me. Christmas is going to come six days before I am discharged from an eating disorder treatment center. I am now out of 24-hour care and in a day program which means that I get to spend most of this holiday season at home.