What it is like going to the temple with mental illness

"What size dress do you want?" the lady asked me from behind the counter. Don't have a panic attack, don't have a panic attack, I kept thinking to myself as I replied, "I don't know. What sizes do you have?" The lady went on to explain all the different sizes that they offered while I... Continue Reading →

The Problem with Optimism

Despite my depression I have always thought of myself as an optimistic person, until the day my therapist told me to stop... People who seem to be the happiest are those that are the most optimistic. Because of this, there is a lot of push to be optimistic. Now, I'm not saying that optimism is... Continue Reading →

A Difficult Sunday

Sunday... Sunday... Sunday... a day I in which I tend to mentally crash. I really don't know why Sunday's are so difficult for me. I could be because it is the start of a new week and that is really overwhelming for me. I also could have something to do with the fact that lately... Continue Reading →

Living with Mental Illness

The reality of life is that I have an eating disorder, depression, and anxiety. Even though they really affect my life I know that I am not alone in this struggle! I am also not afraid to talk about it. So, I want to better document what it is like to live with mental illness... Continue Reading →

The Greatest Gift (Day 12)

We walked down the streets of Temple Square. The lights sparked as they surrounded me. The cold biting my exposed cheeks. While standing in front of the temple my activity days leader handed me a shiny little golden box with a bow on top. All of us girls were so excited to see what could be... Continue Reading →

The Debt (Day 7)

This was it, this was the moment. This was the place. I felt it so strongly that my heart felt like it was going to leap out of my chest. It was time for me to enter an eating disorder treatment center and I knew the one that I was going to be the best... Continue Reading →

Faith in Christ (Day 6)

You want the truth? Okay, the answer is no. No, I haven't. I never have seen Jesus Christ. I've felt his presence. I've read his words. But I have never seen him face to face. The sixth part of the “The Living Christ” reads: Of the Living Christ, the Prophet Joseph wrote: “His eyes were as a... Continue Reading →

Death, the Conquered (Day 5)

That night is such a vivid memory but at the same time a complete blur. There was a lot of crying to the point I didn't even realize when I was or wasn't anymore. I felt deeply sad. I had never before lost someone to death and didn't know how to feel.  Death is pretty... Continue Reading →

Being Christlike (Day 3)

Every morning I opened my eyes to the sound of someone telling me it was time to wake up. I would lie there for a second before changing into my hospital gown, that we would wear as we got our vitals taken, contemplating if getting up would be worth it today. The answer was always... Continue Reading →

His Creation (Day 2)

I hated it. I hated it so much! I could not stand anything about my own body to the point that I was willing to die in order to change it. Like many people out there, I struggle with an eating disorder. So, me and my body are not exactly on good terms which made... Continue Reading →

What Child is This? (Day 1)

Colored lights go up that reflect off the ornaments. The smell of pine fills the room.Holiday songs are constantly playing wherever I go. It is as if the very air around me has changed. It is the Christmas season and I can see it all around me, but do I feel it? This year has... Continue Reading →

What member missionaries are doing wrong when they try to be like full time missionaries

When my husband and I were first married he got called to be the ward mission leader and I as one of his ward missionaries. I remember turning to my husband and saying that I had no clue what I was doing and nothing seemed to work. After talking to my husband I realized that... Continue Reading →

I need you to know that I am struggling…

As I lie in bed, I feel the warm tears flow down my face as the fan whirls above me instantly cooling the streams my tears leave behind as they run off my face onto my pillow. I lie there completely numb to my surroundings. Do I know why I'm crying? No. It just feels like... Continue Reading →

What I Wish People Understood About My Depression

I carefully wrapped tape around each and every finger, covering up each fingerprint. Throughout the day everything I touched was numb to the most sensitive part of my fingers. I found myself enjoyed the lack of feeling. There was no real reason for taping my fingertips. At the time, it was just a random thing... Continue Reading →

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